President (Commander-in-Chief)

$400,000 plus generous expenses and accommodation costs (and lucrative post-appointment book deals and ‘consultancy’ assignments.)
Washington DC

Ultimate Leadership role for a Global Leading ‘Organisation’. Having successfully turned-around a near bankrupt financial position, the last few years have seen this organisation go from one of the worst performing in their arena, to one rivalling the best, performing well on the global stage.

However, having exceeded all expectations, they now face a period of uncertainty as they seek to find a new leader, and with it an entire new leadership team. Current dual-stream selection processes have proven worryingly ineffective to anyone with a brain or moral compass, and thus the organisation has sought to broaden the search to gain a more unilaterally acceptable candidate to put before the process.

The appointment enjoys two official residences, The White House (Washington DC) & Camp David (Maryland), it has the use of a Private Airplane and Helicopter. The role also enjoys a team of personal assistants including a chef and a 24/7 protection team (including family). Protection last for 10 years post appointment (unless your surname is Trump).

Primary duties include:

  • Oversees the Executive Branch
  • Responsible for the execution and enforcement of the laws created by Congress
  • Commands and directs the military and naval forces
  • Preserves, protects and defends the Constitution of the United States
  • Acts as Chief Foreign Policy Official
  • Represents the United States government and Head of State to Governments overseas. Meets frequently with international leaders and Royalty. (NB, do not hug The Queen)
  • With the advice and consent of the Senate:
    • Makes treaties
    • Nominates Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the Supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States
  • Fulfils ceremonial traditions established by previous presidents (i.e. Ceremonial First Pitch; “pardoning” of the Thanksgiving Turkey. Does not include the non-ceremonial traditions established by President Clinton)
  • Develops and presents a proposed federal budget to Congress for approval.
But this role is about people; The scale of that part of the role cannot be underestimated. The role is responsible for over 21,995,000 employees.

Financial capability is also vital. The appointee will ultimately be responsible for an annual budget of $3.8tr. A real world financial qualification, or at least 5+ years of balancing your own bank account will be highly desirable, although those who can truly demonstrate that money does indeed grow on trees will be considered favourably.

The role reports to no-one. The role is afforded a high degree of autonomy, although failures can be met with instant dismissal, or the subject of a second instalment Will Smith movie. The role will also take responsibility for managing the relationship between the organisation and the rest of the world, through physical meetings, direct communication, tweets, text messages and Whatsapp. NB: Instagram and SnapChat are to be avoided.

A personality is a requisite, as is a personal net worth of $1bn, although a strong moral compass is deemed non-essential. You will be required to change tack, lie, deny anything and everything you have ever said whilst smiling and taking credit for anything positive mentioned in any conversation.

Anyone who has progressed away from school playground style bickering and name-calling is discouraged from applying. Sanctimony is a highly sought after trait.

Applicants must:

  • Be comfortable being pictured with Children and animals of all breeds. Capable of exiting a helicopter whist waving (or holding a Venti Latte) and have the ability to ‘rock’ the open-shirt/slacks/smart-casual look when in a war-zone, especially one they have created.
  • Not be from the Bush family (hiding the fact through the use of you first name only will fool no-one, “Jeb!”).
  • Be independently wealthy. Personal net-worth of $1bn is preferable. Once that is established, it truly is an office any man or woman can aspire to.
  • Be comfortable taking selfies of themselves with both their families and other global celebrities (the bravery to do so at a Globally-covered funeral will add favour)
  • Avoid vomiting on fellow country leaders, especially in Japan.
  • Be of sound mind (and sober) when considering writing documents such as “Immigration Reform That Will Make America Great Again”.
  • Understand the basic difference between business and personal email.
  • Understand basic global geography (non-US) and international languages.
  • Preferably not sport a hairpiece, unless it has a life and social media presence of its own.
  • Be pictured jogging at least twice per week.
  • Be an expert in Tax Avoidance schemes.
  • Have a viable defence prepared for when you get locked out of your guests property.
  • Be able to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again – used to counter an argument when you have no counter.
  • Possess the ability to talk for over 30 mins without actually saying anything yet managing the answer an entirely different question.

Closing date for applications. 12 noon, April 01, 2016.
The appointee must be able to take up the post in January 2017.

Interested parties should forward their resume, best selfie and Twitter handle to Senator A.P. Rilfool Jnr III, by completing the below form:


Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Dominick Reuter TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY - RTX1GZCO