President (Commander-in-Chief)

$400,000 plus generous expenses and accommodation costs (and lucrative post-appointment book deals and ‘consultancy’ assignments.)
Washington DC

Ultimate Leadership role for a Global Leading Organisation. Having successfully turned-around a near bankrupt financial position 10 years, the last few years have seen this organisation dramatically improve their standing on the global economic stage, especially in the opinion of the current incumbent.

However, having exceeded all expectations with the appointment 4 years ago, they now face another period of uncertainty as a large proportion of the shareholder base seek to find a new leader, and with it an entire new leadership team. Historic dual-stream selection processes have proven worryingly ineffective to anyone with a brain or moral compass, and thus the organisation has sought to broaden the search to gain a more unilaterally acceptable candidate to put before the process.

The appointment enjoys two official residences, The White House (Washington DC) & Camp David (Maryland), it has the use of a Private Airplane and Helicopter. The role also enjoys a team of personal assistants including a chef and a 24/7 protection team (including family). Protection lasts for 10 years post appointment. Daily in-house spray-tanning can be provided as part of the package.

Primary duties include:

  • Oversees the Executive Branch
  • Responsible for the execution and enforcement of the laws created by Congress
  • Commands and directs the military and naval forces
  • Preserves, protects and defends the Constitution of the United States
  • Acts as Chief Foreign Policy Official
  • Represents the United States government and Head of State to Governments overseas. Meets frequently with international leaders and Royalty. (NB, do not hug The Queen)
  • With the advice and consent of the Senate:
    • Makes treaties
    • Nominates Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the Supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States
  • Fulfils ceremonial traditions established by previous presidents (i.e. Ceremonial First Pitch; “pardoning” of the Thanksgiving Turkey. Does not include the non-ceremonial fellative traditions established by President Clinton)
  • Develops and presents a proposed federal budget to Congress for approval.

But this role is about people; The scale of that part of the role cannot be underestimated. The role is responsible for over 22,000,000 employees.

Financial capability is also vital. The appointee will ultimately be responsible for an annual budget of $4.4tr. A real-world financial qualification, or at least 5+ years of balancing your own bank account will be highly desirable, although those who can truly demonstrate that money does indeed grow on trees will be considered favourably.

The role reports to no-one. The role is afforded a high degree of autonomy, although failures can be met with instant dismissal, or the subject of a second instalment Will Smith movie. The role will also take responsibility for managing the relationship between the organisation and the rest of the world, through physical meetings, direct communication, press conferences and global conference announcements. The ability to Tweet 24 hours a day will be welcomed favourably, especially if such tweets are of a propaganda nature, or absolute bollocks.

A personality is a requisite, as is a personal net worth in excess of $1bn, this really is an opportunity that any Billionaire can apply for. A strong moral compass is deemed non-essential. You will be required to change tack, lie, deny anything and everything you have ever said whilst smiling and taking credit for anything positive mentioned in any conversation.

Opinions are highly desirable, but the need to back them up with anything other than braggadocio, rhetoric or downright bullsh*t is superfluous to requirements. Playing on a military background will always be welcomed, whether genuine or fictitious.

Anyone who has progressed away from school playground style bickering and name-calling is discouraged from applying. Sanctimony is a highly sought-after trait, as is an ability to deny everything, whilst simultaneously taking credit for everything.

Applicants must:

  • Be comfortable being pictured with children and animals of all breeds. Capable of exiting a helicopter whist waving (or holding a Venti Latte) and have the ability to ‘rock’ the open-shirt/slacks/smart-casual look when in a war-zone, especially one they have created.
  • Not be from the Bush family (hiding the fact through the use of your first name only will fool no-one, “Jeb!”).
  • Not have the surname that sounds like Trump. Anyone failing to understand why should cease reading this document immediately.
  • Ditto Clinton or Pelosi.
  • Not be Bernie Sanders.
  • Be independently wealthy. Personal net-worth of $1bn is preferable. Once that is established, it truly is an office any man or woman can aspire to.
  • Have a very, VERY high opinion of yourself. Self-confidence is a prerequisite, whether aggressively stated, the Donald; or hidden behind a ‘confused geriatric’ persona, the Bernie.
  • Be comfortable having pictures taken of themselves, the use of an insincere grin is essential, as is the ability to totally ignore your spouse in public.
  • Be of sound mind (and sober) when considering writing documents such as “Immigration Reform That Will Make America Great Again”.
  • Understand the basic difference between business and personal email.
  • Understand basic global geography (non-US) and international languages.
  • Preferably not sport a hairpiece, unless it has a life and social media presence of its own. Comedic comb-overs are acceptable if weighted down with 3kg of hairspray.
  • Be pictured jogging at least twice per week, ideally in oversized, washout out, inappropriate attire.
  • Be an expert in Tax Avoidance schemes.
  • Be friends with Russia, but claim everyone else is more friendly with Russia.
  • Be able to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again – used to counter an argument when you have no counter. Fake News is a good go-to.
  • Find a reason to claim victory, even if you lose.
  • Possess the ability to talk for over 30 mins without actually saying anything, yet managing to answer an entirely different question.
  • Possess the ability to emphasise, then re-emphasise any claim. It will be a great asset. A great asset. The best asset anyone could hope for. It’s a great asset. It really is. A great asset. I like that asset. It’s a great asset. We’re lucky to have such an asset. We really are. And I mean that. Such a great asset. Great Asset.

Closing date for applications. 12 noon, April 01, 2020.
The appointee must be available to take up the post in January 2021.

Interested parties should forward their resume, best selfie and Twitter handle to Senator A.P. Rilfool Jnr III, by completing the below form:

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