First Lord of the Treasury (Prime Minister)

£149,440 plus generous expenses (and lucrative post-appointment book deals and ‘consultancy’ assignments)
London (with international travel – unlikely to include Europe)

Ultimate leadership role for a Global Leading ‘Organisation’. Having successfully turned-around a near bankrupt financial position, the last nine years have seen my client go from one of the worst performing in their arena, to one of the best performing on the global stage.

However, having exceeded all expectations, they now face a period of near grave uncertainty as they seek to find a new leader, and with it an entire new leadership team.

But this role is about people; The scale of that part of the role cannot be underestimated. Despite a 26% reduction in headcount since 2010, the role is still responsible for over 450,000 direct employees, civil servants. Indirect staff numbers are almost 5.5m (itself a reduction of almost a million in the last 9 years).

Financial capability is also vital. The appointee will ultimately be responsible for an annual budget of £817.5bn. A real world financial qualification, or at least 5+ years of balancing your own bank current account is desirable. Graduates from the Diane Abbott school of Econometric Mathematics are discouraged, unless they got more than eleventy-three percent. Any applicant who can demonstrate that money does indeed grow on trees will be considered favourably.

Whilst European matters are expected to form a large part of the early stages of the appointee’s tenure, rapid amnesia on such matters will be a heavily desirable professional trait. Dependant on the outcome of numerous immature playground squabbles, changes in wind direction, electoral misrepresentations, self-serving posturing and the words painted on a red bus, Europe may, or may not figure in the latter stages of the appointment. Flexibility to kiss-and-make-up with often sanctimonious foreign leaders (elected, and unelected) will be a beneficial attribute. Alternatively, any applicant with strong geo-political ties to other countries would be strongly encouraged – especially Caribbean Islands and other welcoming nations with a far warmer climate.

The role reports to the Queen. The role is afforded a high degree of autonomy from above, although failures can be met with instant dismissal, or the gallows. The role will also take responsibility for managing the relationship between the Government and the Monarch (and the Heir to the Throne) through direct communication, tweets, text messages and Whatsapp. NB: Instagram and SnapChat are to be avoided.

A personality is not recommended, nor is a particularly strong moral compass. You will be required to change tack, lie, deny anything and everything you have ever said whilst smiling and taking credit for anything positive mentioned in any conversation.

Whilst benefitting from two official residences (one a 17th Century Townhouse in Central London, the other a 16th Century country estate in Buckinghamshire), the place of employment is less attractive. Externally opulent, the working environment itself is challenging, verging on childlike at times. A career background in primary school teaching may be a benefit. The neighbours are particularly unpleasant meaning a strong stomach will be essential (or a particular affinity for the BBC Sitcom ‘Steptoe & Son).

Anyone who has progressed from school playground style bickering and name-calling is discouraged from applying. Sanctimony is a highly sought after trait.

Applicants must:

  • Be comfortable being pictured jogging, preferably not in sporting attire.
  • Not be from a public school, or a private one. If you find yourself having done so, find a credible way to relate to the ‘common man’ (see kitchen comment above).
  • Be adept at eating a Bacon Sandwich without looking like they are competing in the world Gurning Championship.
  • Have demonstrable ability to design and adopt repeatable yet largely meaningless soundbites. Previous examples include “LongTerm Economic Plan”; “Brexit means Brexit”; “People’s Vote”; “For the Many” etc. The appointee will be required to repeat it furiously, in support or condemnation. Preferably with a #HashTag.
  • Be able to strike the dispatch box with your index finger with Every. Single. Syllable. Of. A. Sentence.
  • Avoid any question posed.
  • Not resemble a Wallace & Gromit character.
  • Be an expert in Tax Avoidance schemes. Especially Deeds of Variation.
  • Have a viable defence prepared for when you leave your kids in a pub, or get found-out employing your best friends son, whilst he employs yours.
  • Be able to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again – used to counter an argument when you have no counter.
  • Have the ability to recall important facts. Like a record-breaking deficit or the NHS.
  • Know how much a weekly shop costs, if using the knowledge of the cost of a weekly shop as a credibility argument against your opponent who you claim does not know the cost of a weekly shop.
  • Possess the ability to talk for over 30 mins without actually saying anything.
  • Not be of such comedic appearance as to cause the return of Spitting Image.

Miliband
Eastleigh by-election

Closing date for applications. 12 noon, April 01, 2019.

Interested parties should forward their resume, best selfie and Twitter handle to Rt Hon Sir A.P. Rilfool, by completing the below form: