Job Title tbc

£161,401 plus generous expenses (and lucrative post-appointment book deals / ‘consultancy’ assignments)
London (with international travel – unlikely to include Europe)

Ultimate leadership role for a leading Global ‘Organisation’. Having successfully turned-around a near bankrupt financial position 12 years ago, their finances steadily took on a markedly more robust position, substantially reducing their reliance on debt funding; the last two years however have seen immense challenge and increased borrowing has left them with multiple demands for a clear onward strategy. They do sit as the lead performer in their sector at present, but with future growth and macro-economic pressures still not clear, the critical need for strategic clarity has never been greater.

With increasing dissatisfaction with the current leadership team from multiple corners of the market, despite exceeding all expectations (both good and bad), they now face a period of near grave uncertainty as they launch a confidential search to find a new leader, and with it an entire new leadership team.

But this role is about people; The scale of that part of the role cannot be underestimated. Despite a 26% reduction in headcount since 2010, the role is still responsible for over 450,000 direct employees, civil servants. Indirect staff numbers are almost 5.5m (itself a reduction of almost a million in the last 12 years). The ability to motivate such a wide workforce is critical; the use of alcohol-fuelled parties is now not to be encouraged.

Financial capability is also vital. The appointee will ultimately be responsible for an annual budget of almost £1tr. A real world financial qualification, or at least 5+ years of successfully balancing your own bank current account is desirable. Graduates from the Diane Abbott school of Econometric Mathematics are discouraged, unless they got more than eleventy-three percent. Any applicant who can demonstrate that money does indeed grow on trees will be considered favourably.

Whilst European matters have historically played a substantial part of this role, that exposure has been dramatically scaled back, and accordingly, rapid amnesia on all former European opinions and political topics will be a heavily desirable professional trait. Dependant on the outcome of numerous immature playground squabbles, changes in wind direction, electoral misrepresentations, self-serving posturing and the words painted on a red bus, previous quotes and positions on European dealings can be comfortably disregarded. Flexibility to kiss-and-make-up with often sanctimonious foreign leaders (elected, and unelected) will be a beneficial attribute. Alternatively, any applicant with strong geo-political ties to other countries would be strongly encouraged – especially Caribbean Islands and other welcoming nations with a far warmer climate, both meteorological and financial.

The role reports to the Queen. The role is afforded a high degree of autonomy from above, although failures can be met with instant dismissal, or the gallows. The role will also take responsibility for managing the relationship between the Government and the Monarch (and the Heir to the Throne) through direct communication, tweets, text messages and Whatsapp (when messages are remembered to be read). NB: Instagram and SnapChat are to be avoided. TikTok is only to be used during national crises and pandemics.

A personality is not recommended, nor is a particularly strong moral compass. You will be required to change tack, lie, deny anything and everything you have ever said whilst smiling and taking credit for anything positive mentioned in any conversation. Pomposity is a highly welcomed trait.

Whilst benefitting from two official residences (one a 17th Century Townhouse in Central London, the other a 16th Century country estate in Buckinghamshire), the place of employment is less attractive. Externally opulent, the working environment itself is challenging, verging on childlike at times, although the parties are notorious (bring your own booze). A career background in primary school teaching may be a benefit. Several neighbours and broader colleagues are particularly unpleasant meaning a strong stomach will be essential.

Anyone who has progressed from school playground style bickering and name-calling is discouraged from applying. A sanctimonious approach to all matters is highly sought after.

Applicants must:

Be comfortable being pictured jogging, preferably not in sporting attire.
Not be from a public school, or a private one. If you find yourself having done so, find a credible way to relate to the ‘common man’. Use of the phrase ‘working class’ must be used liberally.
Be adept at eating a Bacon Sandwich without looking like they are competing in the world Gurning Championship.
Have demonstrable ability to design and adopt repeatable yet largely meaningless soundbites. Previous examples include “LongTerm Economic Plan”; “Brexit means Brexit”; “People’s Vote”; “For the Many” etc. The appointee will be required to repeat it furiously, in support or condemnation. Preferably with a #HashTag.
Be able to strike the dispatch box with your index finger with Every. Single. Syllable. Of. A. Sentence.
Avoid any question posed; give answers to the question you wanted to be asked, not that actually posed.
Not resemble a Wallace & Gromit character.
Be an expert in Tax Avoidance schemes, first-hand exposure will see you ahead of the riff-raff.
Have a viable defence prepared for when you forget how many children you have, or get found-out employing your best friends son, whilst he employs yours.
Be able to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again – used to counter an argument when you have no counter.
Be able to take credit for all organisational achievements, whilst systemically possessing the ability to distance yourself from any responsibility for anything. Hindsight is to be used frequently.
Like fridges, especially the inside.
Wear matching shoes.
Virtue signal at every possible occasion.
Understand basic human biology.
Understand either of these phrases. 我爱中国 / я люблю Россию
Possess the ability to talk for over 30 mins without actually saying anything.
Not be of such comedic appearance as to cause a new series of Spitting Image. Resembling a ‘Little Britain’ or ‘Viz’ character is highly welcomed.
Owners of a hairbrush are discouraged from applying.