Job title subject to NDA

£167,391 plus generous expenses (and lucrative post-appointment book deals / ‘consultancy’ assignments)
London (with international travel – unlikely to include Europe)

**This is a highly confidential appointment as the current incumbent has only been in post for 9 months**

This is a pivotal leadership position within a prominent global organisation. After 14 years of tumultuous management, a senior leadership transition was initiated with the promise of enhanced stability, growth, and both financial and operational improvement. Unfortunately, the anticipated strategy has failed to materialise, with the organisation experiencing worsening growth prospects, escalating overhead and personnel costs, and a decline in operational performance and customer satisfaction metrics. These setbacks have led to a significantly revised growth forecast (down), increased financial instability, and the near elimination of fiscal flexibility. Additionally, the increasingly adverse macroeconomic environment, coupled with rising debt-servicing costs, is expected to exacerbate these negative trends.

Amid growing discontent with the current leadership across various sectors, the organisation now faces a period of profound uncertainty. In response, a confidential search is underway to identify a new leader and, potentially, an entirely new executive team.

This role is fundamentally about people, and the scale of this responsibility cannot be overstated. Despite a 26% reduction in headcount since 2010, the position still oversees more than 500,000 direct employees and an additional 5.9 million indirect staff members. The ability to inspire and engage such a vast workforce is paramount; outdated approaches, such as alcohol-fuelled events, are no longer viable strategies.

Financial capability is also vital. The appointee will ultimately be responsible for an annual budget of over £1tr. A real world financial qualification, or at least 5+ years of successfully balancing your own bank current account is desirable. Graduates from the Diane Abbott school of Econometric Mathematical Discombobulation are discouraged, unless they got more than eleventy-three percent. Any applicant who can demonstrate that money does indeed grow on trees will be considered favourably.

Whilst European matters have historically played a substantial part of this role, that exposure has been dramatically scaled back, and accordingly, rapid amnesia on all former European opinions and political topics will be a heavily desirable professional trait. Dependant on the outcome of numerous immature playground squabbles, changes in wind direction, electoral misrepresentations, self-serving posturing and the words painted on a red bus, previous quotes and positions on European dealings can be comfortably disregarded. A fondness for demonstrative individuals with an obvious orange complexion would be a beneficial attribute. 

The role reports to the King. The role is afforded a high degree of autonomy from above, although failures can be met with instant dismissal, or the gallows. The role will also take responsibility for managing the relationship between this organisation and the Monarchy (and the Heir to the Throne) through direct communication, tweets, text messages and Whatsapp (when messages are remembered to be read and have not been deleted, “accidentally”). NB: Instagram and SnapChat are to be avoided. TikTok is only to be used during national crises and pandemics.

A personality is not recommended, nor is a particularly strong moral compass. You will be required to change tack, lie, deny anything and everything you have ever said whilst blaming everything negative on a previous leadership team and taking credit for anything positive mentioned in any conversation. Pomposity is a highly welcomed trait.

Whilst benefitting from two official residences (one a 17th Century Townhouse in Central London, the other a 16th Century country estate in Buckinghamshire), the place of employment is less attractive. Externally opulent, the working environment itself is challenging, verging on childlike at times, although the parties are notorious (bring your own booze). A career background in primary school teaching may be a benefit. Several neighbours and broader colleagues are particularly unpleasant meaning a strong stomach will be essential.

Anyone who has progressed from school playground style bickering and name-calling is discouraged from applying. A sanctimonious approach to all matters is highly sought after.

Applicants must:

• Be comfortable being pictured jogging, preferably not in sporting attire.
• Have an obvious look of ‘going about serious business’ – selves rolled up/discarded tie etc. Looking like a former BBc2 crime series detective, or a character from ‘The Fast Show’ have both been trailed, unsuccessfully.
• Not be from a public school, or a private one. If you find yourself having done so, find a credible way to relate to the ‘common man’. Use of the phrase ‘working class’ and ‘son of a toolmaker’ must be used liberally.
• Northern accents are welcomed, however the ability to sound a consonant at the end of words is essential.
• Be adept at eating a Bacon Sandwich without looking like they are competing in the world Gurning Championship.
• Understand Non-Dom rules fully. Compliance optional.
• Have demonstrable ability to design and adopt repeatable yet largely meaningless soundbites. Previous examples include “LongTerm Economic Plan”; “Brexit means Brexit”; “People’s Vote”; “For the Many”, “They have no plan”, “They crashed the economy” (preferably whilst also crashing the economy etc. The appointee will be required to repeat it furiously, in support or condemnation. Preferably with a #HashTag.
• Be able to strike the dispatch box with your index finger with Every. Single. Syllable. Of. A. Sentence.
• Avoid any question posed; give answers to the question you wanted to be asked, not that actually posed.
• Not resemble a Wallace & Gromit character.
• Be an expert in Tax Avoidance schemes, first-hand exposure will see you ahead of the riff-raff.
• Former ‘right-to-buy’ ex-council house owners must be able to explain CGT rules. Or shout loudly in a very brash manner to detract attention.
• Have a viable defence prepared for when you forget how many children you have, or get found-out employing your best friends son, whilst he employs yours.
• Be able to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again – used to counter an argument when you have no counter to the argument.
• Be able to take credit for all organisational achievements, whilst systemically possessing the ability to distance yourself from any responsibility for anything. Hindsight is to be used frequently.
• Like fridges, especially the inside.
• Wear matching shoes.
• Virtue signal at every possible occasion.
• Understand basic human biology.
• Understand either of these phrases. 我爱中国 / я люблю Россию
• Possess the ability to talk for over 30 mins without actually saying anything.
• Not be of such comedic appearance as to cause a new series of Spitting Image. Resembling a ‘Little Britain’ or ‘Viz’ character is highly welcomed.
• Owners of a hairbrush are discouraged from applying.

Closing date for applications. 12 noon, April 01, 2025.

Interested parties should forward their resume, best selfie and instagram handle to Rt Hon Sir A.P. Rilfool, by completing the below form: